“If one feels the need of something grand, something infinite, something that makes one aware of God, one need not go far to find it. I think that I see something deeper and more infinite in the expression of the eyes of a baby when he wakes in the morning and laughs because he sees the sun shining on his cradle.” Vincent Van Gogh
This was my experience today. Alarm went off at 6:30 and in some way, it must have penetrated my boy's dream world.We heard giggling and tiptoed into his room for a peek and there he was, giggling away while still asleep in a soft patch of sunlight. A few moments later, he woke up fully and laughed harder and louder as he squinted in the bright morning light... Beautiful. Enough said.
Thursday, July 15, 2010
Friday, June 11, 2010
Reclaiming the Breasts!
Well it seems the boy is nearly fully weaned. Wow, I can't believe we made it this long. Seems not so long ago that I came home with the poor jaundiced thing wondering if we would make it a week or a month. He was a good eater but it made him so sleepy that he ate every hour or two for soooo long. I wanted so badly to nurse but somedays were so tiring and frustrating as it seems there was nothing to do in order to keep him awake. I remember the cluster feed every night from 8-10pm and thinking I would never get a break. At the same time, I loved the blissful look on face, his little baby burps and the fact that he was gaining well. I pushed hard and pumped myself silly and had more than a few tearful meltdowns of the "I don't know if I can do this" type in front of Jon. Every month I kept saying "just a little longer, we can make it another month".
He did eventually start going longer between feedings. I was encouraged when all the nurses kept saying how impressed they were with his growth and how healthy and happy he seemed to be. They also told me that depsite how it might seem to me, he was simply a very efficient nurser who did not need to take a lot of time to feed. I was lucky too, he took to bottles with none of the dreaded nipple confusion they warn moms about. I was able to pump and have others feed him from time to time and we were able to leave him and go out now and then. And then came solids and he took to those like he was born to do it. While he loved the solids, he still loved his mommy time too and I figured a little longer. I did hit a point however where I could not stand the thought of pumping and while I knew I had plenty of milk still, it was not pumping as easily. So while I kept nursing, I retired the pump to storage. 6 months, 8 and 10 mths passed...
The reclaiming of the breasts began easily.... because Chase weaned himself off his one night feeding! It was lovely and I did not have to feel guilty for being mean mommy. I was not in a hurry but he clearly did not need it. Since then, I have dropped one feeding at a time as he has shown less and less interest in daytime feeds as well. Mwhahaha my breasts were becoming my own again! We were finally down to one feeding, the dive bombing mommy first thing in the morning feed. lol I was not sure this was going to end because he would literally try to dive out of Jon's arms and into my chest when he saw me in the morning. But the last week or so he has gradually shown less interest even in that feeding and would goof around more than eat and I would end up give him something more for (pre)breakfast anyways. Well today he skipped that morning dive on mom altogether (aside for a hug and kiss) and is none the worse off for it. Part of me is sad, my baby has grown up and does not need me so much but a bigger part of me is so happy that he made the choice himself. It has been a heck of a journey this breastfeeding business. I had no idea how complicated it could be when I started out but we did great, this kid and I!
He did eventually start going longer between feedings. I was encouraged when all the nurses kept saying how impressed they were with his growth and how healthy and happy he seemed to be. They also told me that depsite how it might seem to me, he was simply a very efficient nurser who did not need to take a lot of time to feed. I was lucky too, he took to bottles with none of the dreaded nipple confusion they warn moms about. I was able to pump and have others feed him from time to time and we were able to leave him and go out now and then. And then came solids and he took to those like he was born to do it. While he loved the solids, he still loved his mommy time too and I figured a little longer. I did hit a point however where I could not stand the thought of pumping and while I knew I had plenty of milk still, it was not pumping as easily. So while I kept nursing, I retired the pump to storage. 6 months, 8 and 10 mths passed...
The reclaiming of the breasts began easily.... because Chase weaned himself off his one night feeding! It was lovely and I did not have to feel guilty for being mean mommy. I was not in a hurry but he clearly did not need it. Since then, I have dropped one feeding at a time as he has shown less and less interest in daytime feeds as well. Mwhahaha my breasts were becoming my own again! We were finally down to one feeding, the dive bombing mommy first thing in the morning feed. lol I was not sure this was going to end because he would literally try to dive out of Jon's arms and into my chest when he saw me in the morning. But the last week or so he has gradually shown less interest even in that feeding and would goof around more than eat and I would end up give him something more for (pre)breakfast anyways. Well today he skipped that morning dive on mom altogether (aside for a hug and kiss) and is none the worse off for it. Part of me is sad, my baby has grown up and does not need me so much but a bigger part of me is so happy that he made the choice himself. It has been a heck of a journey this breastfeeding business. I had no idea how complicated it could be when I started out but we did great, this kid and I!
Thursday, April 1, 2010
The Big Day
Chase has survived his surgery remakably well! The trip up to Saskatoon was easy; he slept, ate and watched Baby Einstein. I am very grateful my mom was able to come up with us. We even took her to Fuddruckers (this is our traditional supper place in Saskatoon, at least the first night there) and she happily had a veggie burger and bought us cookies lol. We all stayed calm the night before surgery and Chase slept quite well so we slept pretty good too! We woke him around midnight for a final meal and surprisingly he did not get too upset about not eating in the morning. Nervousness set in as we were drinking hot chocolate and waiting to leave for the hospital. We registered at 6:30 and then there was a very long wait for the anestheologist and doctor to come up and talk to us. We did not know until the last minute that they were likely going to do both eyes but I am glad that was the decision. The staff was nice; they had brought me up a rocking chair so I would be able to nurse and rock my baby in comfort after he came up from recovery. :) Chase was getting tired but would not give in and sleep. I cannot believe he was not screaming for food. It was nice to have 3 pairs of arms to trade off and we did a lot of rocking and pacing and singing. Finally they came to get him and I cried... though I was told later that HE did not cry at all down in the operating room. The anestheologist was careful to talk to him and us and let Chase get used to him before taking him into his arms and walking away. What a brave big boy he was!
The wait after that was horrible. It seemed to last forever and every time I heard a baby cry, I popped head out of the waiting room to check if it was him. Finally, they came and told us that he was in recovery and would be up as soon as he woke up. When they finally brought him to us, he was still pretty much out but they immediately handed him over and with eyes welded shut, he cuddled in and started trying to go through my clothes to nurse lol. He latched on like when he was newborn and would not let go for anything. It was a little awkward as he was still hooked up to IV and such but I knew he was starting to be himself when he tried to sit up (eyes still shut tight) and switch to the other side to eat some more. It was wonderful to see his heartrate drop into the calm relaxed range as soon as he hit my arms.They told us we could go home but I insisted on staying until I actually saw him wake fully. I wanted to make sure he could! I am deeply thankful I did not have to watch them put him out or stick the IV in him as we could see multiples holes in various places where they clearly made numerous attempts to get things in him. *sigh* His chubby little arms and hands and feet make things difficult medically apparently.
He woke up soon after and honestly, his eyes did not look all that bad. We were expecting something along the lines of the vampires from New Moon. They were very red on the sides where the doctor had worked but honestly it was not too horrible. The nurses said most kids come out looking like raccoons with the bruising and swollen but he was neither! There was no bleeding and hardly any discharge- amazing! All he wanted when he woke fully was MOM and more food. Jon did not take it personally, he was relieved all was well. The doctor told us that eye muscles were very very tight on both sides and we were wise to opt for both being done. Already they looked so much straighter.
We took him back to the RM house and he fought a nap for all he was worth and eventually dad was the only one who could get him to pass out. Fair trade off for his earlier spider monkey clinging to me! Aside that, he was fine. Not queasy stomach and he ate himself silly- just tired and not as smiley as usual. He was doing so well later that we ran out to Wal-mart to buy The Blind Side so we could have a quiet family movie night. He was tough to get to sleep; kept waking up and rolling around restlessly initially but once he was out, he was good for the night. Next day he woke up with big smiles... our boy was back! After a quick check-in with the doctor, some lunch and a quick stop at Indigo books, we headed home.
I am amazed and impressed by our little man. He came through everything so much better than expected and is recovering well. I love seeing his eyes moving in sync and how mch straighter they are. Patching is down to one hour a day for the time being which is so much easier. The salve is another issue (ugh ugh ugh) but it gets done. After today, he only needs it once a day for another week-hooray! The kid is made of tough stuff and he definitely took it all better than his parents! I hope this is the only surgery he will need but time will tell. At least we know we can make it through some hard stuff. Now we just have to survive checkups, an MRI and who knows what else. *deep breath* One day at a time, right?
The wait after that was horrible. It seemed to last forever and every time I heard a baby cry, I popped head out of the waiting room to check if it was him. Finally, they came and told us that he was in recovery and would be up as soon as he woke up. When they finally brought him to us, he was still pretty much out but they immediately handed him over and with eyes welded shut, he cuddled in and started trying to go through my clothes to nurse lol. He latched on like when he was newborn and would not let go for anything. It was a little awkward as he was still hooked up to IV and such but I knew he was starting to be himself when he tried to sit up (eyes still shut tight) and switch to the other side to eat some more. It was wonderful to see his heartrate drop into the calm relaxed range as soon as he hit my arms.They told us we could go home but I insisted on staying until I actually saw him wake fully. I wanted to make sure he could! I am deeply thankful I did not have to watch them put him out or stick the IV in him as we could see multiples holes in various places where they clearly made numerous attempts to get things in him. *sigh* His chubby little arms and hands and feet make things difficult medically apparently.
He woke up soon after and honestly, his eyes did not look all that bad. We were expecting something along the lines of the vampires from New Moon. They were very red on the sides where the doctor had worked but honestly it was not too horrible. The nurses said most kids come out looking like raccoons with the bruising and swollen but he was neither! There was no bleeding and hardly any discharge- amazing! All he wanted when he woke fully was MOM and more food. Jon did not take it personally, he was relieved all was well. The doctor told us that eye muscles were very very tight on both sides and we were wise to opt for both being done. Already they looked so much straighter.
We took him back to the RM house and he fought a nap for all he was worth and eventually dad was the only one who could get him to pass out. Fair trade off for his earlier spider monkey clinging to me! Aside that, he was fine. Not queasy stomach and he ate himself silly- just tired and not as smiley as usual. He was doing so well later that we ran out to Wal-mart to buy The Blind Side so we could have a quiet family movie night. He was tough to get to sleep; kept waking up and rolling around restlessly initially but once he was out, he was good for the night. Next day he woke up with big smiles... our boy was back! After a quick check-in with the doctor, some lunch and a quick stop at Indigo books, we headed home.
I am amazed and impressed by our little man. He came through everything so much better than expected and is recovering well. I love seeing his eyes moving in sync and how mch straighter they are. Patching is down to one hour a day for the time being which is so much easier. The salve is another issue (ugh ugh ugh) but it gets done. After today, he only needs it once a day for another week-hooray! The kid is made of tough stuff and he definitely took it all better than his parents! I hope this is the only surgery he will need but time will tell. At least we know we can make it through some hard stuff. Now we just have to survive checkups, an MRI and who knows what else. *deep breath* One day at a time, right?
Thursday, March 18, 2010
Nerves of... Tinfoil
Chase's surgery is exactly one week from today and in 6 days we head up to Saskatoon for pre-op stuff. I had been doing pretty good dealing with it all lately but today was not so good. Part of it was seeing the Z99 people set up in the Cornwall for the radiothon that raises money for the NICU. It struck me how you just never know what you might be thrown in life. We donated of course for it could just as easily have been my own child in need. I also felt a moment of near rage over the fact that there is STILL no children's hospital here in Sasaktchewan. We are extremely fortunate that the surgery can be done here at all. It drives me crazy that the province is even considering building an expensive sports dome when a hospital that has been in the planning stages for who knows how long is making no forward strides. What is more important- entertainment or saving the lives of children? Isn't it worth it to be able to provide medical care for children in our own province so that they and their families do not need to suffer further stress with having to go elsewhere for care? Argh, this really really gets to me! I love our football team but come one people, where are our prioroties??? Blah...
When it comes to this surgery, I can't help but be scared. Chase is not even a year old and it doesn't seem right for a little guy to be facing something like this. I worry about him going under and how hard that might be on his little body and heart. I worry about recovery and if he will suffer sleep apnea. I worry about having to watch him for infection and the added risk of Thrush since he is still nursing and will be on antibiotics. I worry about him being in pain and not being able to do anything other than dole out some Tylenol. I worry this might be only the first of many surgeries or that it might not change anything. I am a world class worrier. I know I am going to fall apart when I have to hand him over to some stranger when it is time and cry when I finally get to see him again. A friend said to me on the way home from Y's Moms one day that she thought I was so strong. Pshhh... strong like foil.... though I guess if you put enough pressure on tinfoil or bend and fold it enough times, it does become stronger and manages to do what you want it to, so maybe it will come later. I can hope...
When it comes to this surgery, I can't help but be scared. Chase is not even a year old and it doesn't seem right for a little guy to be facing something like this. I worry about him going under and how hard that might be on his little body and heart. I worry about recovery and if he will suffer sleep apnea. I worry about having to watch him for infection and the added risk of Thrush since he is still nursing and will be on antibiotics. I worry about him being in pain and not being able to do anything other than dole out some Tylenol. I worry this might be only the first of many surgeries or that it might not change anything. I am a world class worrier. I know I am going to fall apart when I have to hand him over to some stranger when it is time and cry when I finally get to see him again. A friend said to me on the way home from Y's Moms one day that she thought I was so strong. Pshhh... strong like foil.... though I guess if you put enough pressure on tinfoil or bend and fold it enough times, it does become stronger and manages to do what you want it to, so maybe it will come later. I can hope...
Monday, March 15, 2010
A Boy and His Grandma
Since the day Chase was born, he has had an unusually close connection with his grandma (my mom). I have noticed it, Jon has noticed it and more recently my sisters and grandparents have noticed it as well. I can't really explain just what it is the two have between them but it is deep and it is strong. His whole face lights up and he just starts bouncing and kicking away when we walk through her door or she walks through ours. Even her voice over the phone leads to big smiles and happy gurgles. She was even the first person he gave hugs too; you know, the really big, squeeze for all you are worth type ones. When we have a truly horrendous day together or a week or more of lousy sleep nights and I call my mom in desperation and she heads over without another thought, almost the second she walks through the door Chase relaxes and is a different child. Where does this come from? I mean my mom was there in the delivery room when my son came into this world (as she was with Hayden) and she has always been a frequent visitor but still, she spent and spends many hours with all her grandchildren. I hope it does not sound like I believe her relationship with her other grandkids is in some way inferior but there is no question that her bond with Chase is different somehow.
Well, I suppose it does not really matter where it comes from, I am thrilled it is there and it is truly something to see. I was and am still very close to my Grandma and Grandpa Price so maybe it runs in the family! I hope one day I have such a connection with my grandkids! In the meantime, I fully anticipate my mom being the one Chase will go to when he is fed up with Mom and Dad, when he needs a change scenery, or when he needs a more "flexible" adult to turn to. I guess we had better put Grandma on speed dial now, at the rate this kid is learning, I expect he will be using the phone within the week! :P
On a related note, I have never fully appreciated my family as much as I have since having a child. They are wonderful people willing to listen to me at any hour and attempt to answer questions no matter how silly or strange I think they are. I have a rather impressive amount of babysitters with a few more in training (Brydon and Phillip are turning 12 this year and Phil just completed his babysitter's course) and they all love my boy to pieces. It is rather amusing to see his cousins, aunts, and uncles all but tugging him apart in a battle of who gets to hold him first. They even beg to keep him overnight knowing full well I cannot always guarantee a restful night and they have to work the next day! I love my family and am so very grateful for these people who are a part of my child's world. He is unconditionally loved and yes a little spoiled by them all! What a lucky boy he is!
Well, I suppose it does not really matter where it comes from, I am thrilled it is there and it is truly something to see. I was and am still very close to my Grandma and Grandpa Price so maybe it runs in the family! I hope one day I have such a connection with my grandkids! In the meantime, I fully anticipate my mom being the one Chase will go to when he is fed up with Mom and Dad, when he needs a change scenery, or when he needs a more "flexible" adult to turn to. I guess we had better put Grandma on speed dial now, at the rate this kid is learning, I expect he will be using the phone within the week! :P
On a related note, I have never fully appreciated my family as much as I have since having a child. They are wonderful people willing to listen to me at any hour and attempt to answer questions no matter how silly or strange I think they are. I have a rather impressive amount of babysitters with a few more in training (Brydon and Phillip are turning 12 this year and Phil just completed his babysitter's course) and they all love my boy to pieces. It is rather amusing to see his cousins, aunts, and uncles all but tugging him apart in a battle of who gets to hold him first. They even beg to keep him overnight knowing full well I cannot always guarantee a restful night and they have to work the next day! I love my family and am so very grateful for these people who are a part of my child's world. He is unconditionally loved and yes a little spoiled by them all! What a lucky boy he is!
Wednesday, March 10, 2010
Mornings, Movies and Mayhem
I have found since I have become a mom that I can admit a lot of things that would have almost killed me to do so before. One of the things I can admit to is that I forget a lot of things these days. Case in point- I forgot to watch the time and as a result, Jon had to come find me at 9:55am (class starts at 10:15) and ask me if I was ready to head to the Lawson for swimming. Um oops... I admitted my absentmindedness. Still, I was feeling frazzled until Jon said proudly "Don't worry, I have everything all ready to go". Wonderful! I go running downstairs figuring I would only have to grab our gear (which I had packed earlier in the morning) and my child and head out the door... and find my son still in his sleep sack and strapped in the swing. *smacks forehead* This lead to a Jon honey, I love you, but I fail to see what this everything you did to get ready is type comment. He replies after some thought that he started the car. Ohhhhh really? You mean you actually pushed the button on the keychain? Woooow. Ok I do not want to sound mean but seriously the guy could not admit he had really done nothing to help get us out the door, especially not the most important thing which would obviously be to get Chase dressed and ready to go. Sigh...
So off we head to the pool and about 3/4 of the way there, a thought hits me and I begin to rummage through the packed bag only to have my worst fears comfirmed... I have forgotten to pack UNDERWEAR!!! (I put my bathing suit on under my clothes so when we get to the pool, I can quickly get myself ready and then be free to get Chase into his own trunks more efficiently.) Jon thought this was ridiculously funny- I did not. He offered to go home and bring some to me but then I had this mental image of him trying to find a subtle and oh so cool way to smuggle me some underwear... in the image he looked like a perverted drug dealer. Sigh #2 of the day. Swimming went well but poor Chase was chattering with cold so I bailed out early. Laying on a table in the change room, my poor kid was shivering away and signing frantically for milk with his cute little pudgy hand. lol Ok that was adorable. Not so cute was the commando ride home though I suppose one could call it refreshing. Sigh #3
When we got home, I put the boy down for a nap and then my friend who is also my coworker begged me to go with her to a Stars and Strollers movie. Now I know I should have stayed home and let my child sleep but getting out of the house is golden! So I woke him early, packed a diaper bag and off we went. The movie playing was Alice in Wonderland. Ok ugh, seriously I have NEVER understood how this is an appropriate story for children. It is beyond creepy and weird and just plain freaky. Oh well... All was well for 30 seconds until my child preceeded to scream and flail. I am not sure if the dark, the noise or something else was bothering him but wow. I was the parent with the screamer. I made repeated laps in the back of the theatre but I finally took him out for a bit, let him play and calm down, then strapped him in the hip hammock and went back to pacing. He fell asleep and I watched the rest of the movie standing in the back. Motherhood is a neverending series of uncomfortable moments but dang, I would do anything for this kid! I should add that in the theatre, I realized I was missing the bottle I had packed- that was found later in the street outside my house. I also lost one of Chase's shoes- that was found on the floor several rows away from where I had tried to sit in the theatre. Sighs #4 and 5.
I paid dearly for waking my child early and he was miserable until I finally got him to sleep in the late afternoon but he woke up with a smile on his face and all was well again in Motherhood Land. I love his smiles and squeals and best of all, when he grabs my cheeks and pulls me in for a sloppy baby kiss. :) Going to bed a tired but happy mommy!
So off we head to the pool and about 3/4 of the way there, a thought hits me and I begin to rummage through the packed bag only to have my worst fears comfirmed... I have forgotten to pack UNDERWEAR!!! (I put my bathing suit on under my clothes so when we get to the pool, I can quickly get myself ready and then be free to get Chase into his own trunks more efficiently.) Jon thought this was ridiculously funny- I did not. He offered to go home and bring some to me but then I had this mental image of him trying to find a subtle and oh so cool way to smuggle me some underwear... in the image he looked like a perverted drug dealer. Sigh #2 of the day. Swimming went well but poor Chase was chattering with cold so I bailed out early. Laying on a table in the change room, my poor kid was shivering away and signing frantically for milk with his cute little pudgy hand. lol Ok that was adorable. Not so cute was the commando ride home though I suppose one could call it refreshing. Sigh #3
When we got home, I put the boy down for a nap and then my friend who is also my coworker begged me to go with her to a Stars and Strollers movie. Now I know I should have stayed home and let my child sleep but getting out of the house is golden! So I woke him early, packed a diaper bag and off we went. The movie playing was Alice in Wonderland. Ok ugh, seriously I have NEVER understood how this is an appropriate story for children. It is beyond creepy and weird and just plain freaky. Oh well... All was well for 30 seconds until my child preceeded to scream and flail. I am not sure if the dark, the noise or something else was bothering him but wow. I was the parent with the screamer. I made repeated laps in the back of the theatre but I finally took him out for a bit, let him play and calm down, then strapped him in the hip hammock and went back to pacing. He fell asleep and I watched the rest of the movie standing in the back. Motherhood is a neverending series of uncomfortable moments but dang, I would do anything for this kid! I should add that in the theatre, I realized I was missing the bottle I had packed- that was found later in the street outside my house. I also lost one of Chase's shoes- that was found on the floor several rows away from where I had tried to sit in the theatre. Sighs #4 and 5.
I paid dearly for waking my child early and he was miserable until I finally got him to sleep in the late afternoon but he woke up with a smile on his face and all was well again in Motherhood Land. I love his smiles and squeals and best of all, when he grabs my cheeks and pulls me in for a sloppy baby kiss. :) Going to bed a tired but happy mommy!
And so... it begins!
Well I decided to join the blogging world you poor poor souls! I need an outlet for my ramblings and I figure this is as good a place as any to do it. Since becoming a mom, I find there are days when my head and heart are just too full and if I do not let some of it go, I will explode or go mad... well, more so! Let the madness begin!
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